i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
