Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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