I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
