Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
