Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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