He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I haven't been this sober since birth.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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