just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
