Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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