Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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