billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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