Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
this will be a night to untag.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
