oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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