I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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