Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
