she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
