I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
