Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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