I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
