So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize