You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
