Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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