the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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