It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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