guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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