I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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