she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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