how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
