If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
