You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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