I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
