Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize