You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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