Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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