i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
