Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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