Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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