you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
