Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Someone stole a lamp last night.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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