I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
