my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
