i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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