He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
