i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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