mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
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