Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
