Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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