My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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