Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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