Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
