Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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