I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
We left an ass print on the piano.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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