please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
accomplished twins. life is a go
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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