third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
