saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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