Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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