Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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