I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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