I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
