I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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