Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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