You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
