how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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