Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
