I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
