He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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