i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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