Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
